It’s not your fault. 

So many times this is because we’re hiding our lack of control in another area and are desperately trying to throw the “not good enough” scent off of us. And, we might not even know what is really going on. We are just surviving.

I was listening to the amazing Glennon Doyle’s podcast like I do so often. On this episode, her guest Laura McKowen, talked about her journey to and through recovery.  

“It’s not your fault,” Laura said. My ears perked up. This was #1 on her list of nine truths she thinks will heal us.

She thinks everyone needs to experience recovery because “unless you have seen the limits of your own capability and your own will and your own control, you’re always going to think that you’re driving everything.” I was in agreement before I heard her reason. I know how crucial it is to learn how to coach and heal yourself every.single.day. These tools are not taught in school, the workplace, or unless you are very lucky, at home. 

(Side note: all those professional assessments I’ve done in my years of Corporate work, I’m always in the DRIVER category. And when I go places with friends and family, you guessed it. I drive.)

Always thinking you are in control leads to no compassion for other people. (Like those idiot drivers in my way.)

But it is your responsibility (#2 on the list)…WTF can I do about something that isn’t my fault? I yelled at the phone. 

**THIS IS WHERE THE LIGHT BULB WENT OFF***

I am responsible for finding where I have a choice about my experience. 

Are you kidding me right now? I have a choice about this overworking shit?

For so many years I’ve been angry (and a little resentful) that I had been the one doing all the things on my own. Do you know who said I had to? I don’t know that anyone actually said it but…that sure is what I took from society growing up in the 80s and 90s. 

Asking for help meant admitting that I was out of control of the situation. (Driver tendency right there!) And there was no way I was going to admit that, nor did I allow any compassion for myself. Never mind that I spent 18 hours of the day working as a mom, employee, good citizen, and friend, to be a good person, I should have finished all the things on a never-ending list.

Fulfilling obligations is not the same as being responsible.

(Another moment of clarity!) Some of them go hand in hand. Paying your car payment (obligation) means taking responsibility (having reliable transportation to go to a better job, getting your children to school on time, or having a better choice for where you live) for what you want your life experience to be.

Some people say you can create the life you want. I am one of those people. I am also a realistic pessimist at times too. Yes, I can play on a hockey team but I likely won’t make it to the pros. So, what is more important to me? The love of the sport or making that kind of pro money? This is where you have the choice to create the life you want.

So, I leave you with these questions. (Some are from Laura and some are my additions.)

1. Where are you making choices? 

2. How are they impacting you? (Be honest and own your part in this or you will never get to that dream life.)

3. Is the impact good or do you want it to be different?

4. Where are you not actively making choices? 

5. Repeat questions 2 and 3

6. Where is it that you have no choice? 

7. How can you make small changes (mindset about yourself and circumstances- remember Laura’s #1)?

If you have any thoughts on this… drop a comment below!

Peace and Love,

Teresea