Holidays are the perfect time to test you. The time spent with family after cooking and cleaning will test your patience, your boundaries, your cooking skills, and maybe even your liver if you are one to drink under pressure. It’s a good thing that here in America we stack them in the last quarter of the year. Right? 

Maybe all that stress is why we say “New Year-New You” because we become someone ugly we don’t recognize ourselves after the holiday. 

How do you change your family?  

Most of us have years of conditioning to be neurotic around the holidays. We over-commit our time and agree to massive spreads of food that would normally require an army of 10 but we do it in a day or day in a half BY OURSELVES. Stress drives us to clean like the Pope is joining our family for dinner. 

WHY?!?!?

Mostly because that is what you think is expected of you. In order to change what others expect, you have to change what you do.  You know why??? That changes what others expect from you. If you say no sometimes the world will not end, it will free you up! 

When you stuff your feelings, it’s like waiting for an explosion until you finally reach the amount you can stuff. I visualize it as an older suitcase that you put in all things you had. Then you get more stuff to shove it...it barely closes then but before you know it you are opening it to shove something else in and finally, it won’t shut. So you put the suitcase on the floor,  hop up and down on it trying to get the clasp to reach and finally….

Your belly on the other hand....well, I can’t speak for that after turkey! Turkey and stuffing are very much enjoyable. 

It would be helpful for you to view frustrating interactions with curiosity rather than indignation (I think we all like hanging out with that feeling  at times) to identify the root of the reason. This is the first step in the direction of clarity and how to address them. 

Well, those were the crazy days of politics so surely you can understand the pressure he was under then… Don’t let that keep you from having a good time. One way you and Uncle Joe can see eye to eye is to set a “no politics allowed at family gatherings of more than 3” rule and then you don’t have to hear his politics and you aren’t feeding the fire of anger inside. It’s like cooking your soul from the inside out. 

Stop pushing your feelings to the back of the cupboard and push them up to the start of the dinner line where people can see what they are getting. I know you are tired of being the one always expected to do the one to commit to the childcare alone.

Speaking your mind does not have to look a specific way. It’s as easy as saying “hey, let’s come up with a plan for school holidays and possible sick days over the next few months to get prepared.” Then set a time to discuss and really plan instead of acting from a place of frustration. Withdrawal is just as detrimental as lashing out.

Set boundaries (one of my personal favorite things to do!) with others and your needs.

Don’t want to get early morning calls when you are in the flow? Turn on the do not disturb option for that time frame and focus in. The overwhelming majority of our messages are not critical matters that need immediate attention. I mean, I need a good “tell me why I shouldn’t buy this” chat from time to time, I can also respect the other’s needs as well. Take care of your need for peace, quiet, and focus. 

When you get out of the habit of stuffing your feelings, you will enjoy your holidays and your life much more. You won’t have to worry about biting your tongue when the conversations start. Confidently stop the conversation by *gently* pushing the voice in your head to the side that is yelling at you to be a “good girl.” 

Stuffing is for turkeys, not your feelings.

Peace and Love,

Teresea

Photo credit: Unsplash